the man i trust my life with married me with this vow:

while i was waiting for you in starbucks last wednesday, i had a religious experience. my car broke down that day, my cellphone died on me, i was in shabby clothes, i don't have much money with me. all i had was the book of our wedding day program, your high-tech cellphone which i can't figure out how to use, and a cup of tea. i was receiving numerous phone calls from everybody making me "kulit" about things for the wedding and all i can do is to heave a sigh because from where i am, i can do nothing. after months of being OC about the wedding, i was on a stand-still not being able to do anything anymore. everything was now in the hands of fate, of other people, and i simply am being forced to let go.

that wednesday, i was strapped off control and i was reminded of the barest essentials, of what is most valuable - you. because all i have is you. all i want to be is with you. that wednesday was a reminder of how i started with you and where my letting go has taken me - with you, here, now. i have been most happy with you. i found myself because of you. i am me when i'm with you. cathy, you kow everything about me - my dreams, my desires, my idiosyncracies, my frustrations, my weaknesses. i chose to share my most intimate self with you because you love me and you loved me first. thank you.

today, i am commiting myself to share with you all that i have, all that i am, and all that i will be however miniscule that may be. you are my happiness, my pearl of great price, remember? as i declare my love for you in public, know that "forever" is true. my love will never die and even on my last breath, i will utter only your name. i love you, cathy; my promise is forever. my promise is to promise to keep my promise and to work hard to retain and sustain the love i gave to no one else but you that first instance of chat up to the first of July, to almost three years of being together. i love you. allow me to take you to be my wife, my partner, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, from this day, i will cherish and love you fully, until forever. no death, no tears, i will be with you. forever, cathy, forever is true.

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if i say there were no dry tears in the chapel when he professed his vow, i doubt that anyone would disagree. a year and 49 days after, he still remains true to his promise. there were rough patches, small ones and some big ones that made us want to just up and leave. we've fought, we've cried, we've hurt each other. but we also laugh, we talk, we hug. we may not be "perfect" but i say we're better than that, because we are real.

four years ago, i wrote about him and the state of how our relationship was, when he was still my boyfriend. you can click here if you want to go back in time and read it. funny, i still feel very much the same, only now with more basis, more grounded, more true.

like i said four years ago, i hope you find a love as beautiful as this.

1. you don't bite the hand that feeds you, otherwise prepare to go hungry.

2. more money doesn't necessarily mean more problems.

3. if it's not yours, it's not yours. you have no right over it, no matter how much you think you deserve it.

4. it can buy you temporary happiness. (but isn't happiness really just temporary?)

5. it can't buy you dignity, just forced respect. i've met people who had money since birth and supposedly were brought up with the finest things in life, but still act like sons of bitches and wield their supposed powers to "lower life forms."

6. it can ruin relationships.

7. what you get isn't always commensurate with what you think you deserve, as with most things in life.

8. money is power. how much power it has over you is your decision though.

i've had this thing hanging over my head for more than two weeks now and earlier i finally had the courage to speak to the cleaner about it. things are a lot clearer, and while i didn't get what i want (or what i feel i deserve), i'm not so unmotivated and nega anymore. it was really consuming and i'm glad i'm over it so back to work.

past two weeks have been though, had to fill in vacant spots in my team, do reports and before i sleep i have to make sure i sent hotdogs for my sister's tj booth. it's cool, i feel fulfilled, i feel important, but i'm so damn tired.

our mbos and titles have changed, we're now business, not brand, managers. so more numbers, more strategic thinking, more stuff that are beyond my comfort level. i don't know what i'm doing som times and that stresses me. plus the fact that i don't know if this is really the career path i want to take. hay. how do you ever know for sure where you want to go or what you want to do?

so yeah, i allude to the song and say for now, i guess this is okay. i don't exactly jump for joy each time i enter the office, but i like what i do. i don't know where i'll be in five, ten years, i'm not the type who'll plan. will i know and be who i should be by then? i don't know.

everything in life is only for now.