June 30th, 2009

i was washing the dishes, jope was cleaning up the dinner table while telling me about how his class went earlier that day.

j: kanina tinanong ko ang mga estudyante ko, tinitignan niyo ba ang mukha ng mga magulang niyo?

c: bakit naman?

j: sabi ko, tignan niyo mabuti ang mukha nila, dumadami na ang linya. tumatanda na sila.

i then tried to remember my mom's face the last i saw her and when i finally was able to draw out her face from my head i had to wipe a tear from my eye, forgetting i was actually holding a soaped up sponge. last time i saw her was during my wedding two years ago, the strongest image i have is of her crying while telling people in our reception the story of how i told her that i was going back to the philippines. she was wiping her tears with a hanky, but all you can really notice was how big her ring bling was. haha.

i didn't realize two years flew by so fast. i miss her so much. i wonder how the past two years have aged her, i wonder how much weight she put on because she loves to eat (rice!) while watching her favorite telenovelas. i wonder if she's recovered from last year's storm, i wonder if she really liked the flowers i sent her on mother's day. i wonder if she really knows how much i love her, i wonder if i would ever be able to make her feel how much.

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earlier that day michael jackson died. so did farah fawcett and ed mcmahon (i didn't know him but he was on the fb updates). so did my officemate's boyfriend who is based in canada, heard they were supposed to marry in a couple of years. so did so many others i don't know. the thought of losing my mom and not being with her crossed my mind and well, drove me to tears. it made me realize how much i miss her. the thought of losing any one of the people i love kept me awake most of the night. death pretty much became me. it might be the hormones. you never know anymore with pills.

.

there are things out of our control, time is rarely a friend. okay enough of the attempt to be profound. i guess what i'm saying is that i don't want for things to pass me by and to only do something about it when it's too late. i'm not going to go all "seize the day" and promise myself  that i'll be great, that i'll make the best decisions, that i'll be perfect and shit, because that's just plain impossible, if not stupid. i'm just saying, do what you honestly can, at the time needed, so you won't regret it.